The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
