AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
