If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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