No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
