# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I cut my penus on the lid.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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