Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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