I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
