why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm too high and old for this...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
