i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
