I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
