just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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