plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
