My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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