He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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