i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
We were destined to go to rehab together
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
