My room smells like vodka and shame
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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