I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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