You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
