Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
