lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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