I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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