The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
