i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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