so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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