he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Randomize
