Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
