Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
