Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
