Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
