Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize