Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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