How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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