Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
