she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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