Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
