I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
