My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
