Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize