I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
