one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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