so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
