I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
