there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
