I wannas sexs uuuuu
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
