i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
