I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
