We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
