non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
BRING THE BAGELS
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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