PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
