I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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