wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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