Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
