So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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