I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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