Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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