If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
