im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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