did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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