i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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