hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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