Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
