Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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