How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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