i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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