Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
