now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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