there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
